motion sickness

it happens without warning
my heart just stops
there is no feeling
it is not dead – just without emotion

a strong silence
where once i could hear my heart beat
the percolations bubbling from the fridge
the neighbour opening his window
the traffic driving by
the silent sounds of a quiet night
they trickle into my heart
these vibrations have no impact
lost in the silence of a beatless heart
my heart is a black hole

this is my heart on motion sickness

its not the lack of sleep because waking up 5 times a night is worth it just to see her
its not the poopy diapers because cleaning up the stink bombs is worth it to watch her grow
its the moments of intense conflicts that my emotions rage
its the roller coaster that i endure daily that’s making me dizzy

the constant lurches of motherhood are taking their toll
my heart is the casualty

everyday

when i put her to sleep, i ache. missing her
i yearn to see her again

when she is awake, my mind wanders. wishing to be in the ‘productive’ world of adults
i want to contribute again

my love wants to wrap her up forever
my mind wants to be free

i have felt a loneliness that can never be cured
and yet i have never felt so loved in my life before

motherhood is insanity
and yet motherhood is humanity

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